1. Make a new friend.
2. Spend time together.
3. Be your true self, especially when it’s difficult.
4. Disagree.
5. Let them go.
6. Figure out how to soothe yourself.
7. Welcome them back.
8. Willingly fall further into friendship’s gooey centre.
9. Copy what you envy.
10. Forget who’s who.
11. Draw a line.
12. Notice recurring border skirmishes.
13. Learn about yourself.
14. Draw a different line, one that includes all of you.
15. Do your best, even if it’s not enough.
16. Take a break.
17. Notice what changes.
18. Ruthlessly work to take back any unkindness.
19. Hold your friend’s hands until they’re warm again.
20. Decide to love yourself best by forgiving, even if you’re not sure how.
21. Remember all the good things. (There were lots.)
22. Accrue private jokes.
23. Count up the years.
24. Catalogue the stories and talk about them in code.
25. Accept the whole friend, including what bugs you about them.
26. Realize that you wouldn’t be you without your friend.
27. Praise the change you got from them.
28. Praise the change you resisted.
29. Get to know your friend’s friends.
30. Make a new friend.

Related reading: Pep Talk | Flip, Book | How to Live with an Idiot

Flickr photo: Old friends, by kevindooley

If socializing in a party setting doesn’t come easily to you, you still have options other than staying home – options which include being yourself.

To cerebrate means to use the mind, to think or to think about. Rather than psyching yourself up to be a party animal, consider musing your way through the festivities.

You may find that answering the questions below as you take in the party scene inspires you to take action. (Remember that bathrooms can be oases of privacy where you can collect yourself and review your list.)

Pay attention when you find moments of joy or serenity or intrigue or connection during a party. You’ll only have fun if you do it your way, so take the time to figure out what your way looks like.

1. Why am I here?
2. Is anyone actually laughing at me?
3. Can I stop focusing on what people think of me and instead focus on what I think of them?
4. Where can I park for a while that’s on the edge of the hullabaloo?
5. Who’s here that I already know I like?
6. Who would I like to know? Why?
7. Who seems truly comfortable in this setting? Why?
8. Who seems comfortable being quiet?
9. Who’s setting the tone of this party?
10. What would I really like to know about each person here?
11. What do I want to know about the person sitting next to me?
12. Who seems sensitive?
13. Who seems nervous?
14. Am I breathing?
15. Am I too cold or too warm?
16. What response do I get when I ask someone what I really want to know about them?
17. Is there someone here who seems more sensitive than I am?
18. What can I nibble on or sip so I have something to do with my hands?
19. What if I asked the shyest person here what interests them?
20. What do I like about this setting? Decor? Food? Entertainment?
21. If I stay and please myself, what does that look like?
22. Is there someone here I’m trying to impress? Why?
23. Who here knows me the best?
24. Who’s trying too hard?
25. Who seems gifted at putting others at ease? How do they do it?
26. Who would I most like to get to know better? Why?
27. Who’s taking this opportunity to regress?
28. Who remains composed under pressure?
29. Are the hosts helping or hindering the party?
30. Who seems drawn to my calm, self-possessed stillness?

Related reading: How to Mingle at a Party | Tips for the Timid,
Pep Talk | Dance, Stay Afloat When They’re Rocking Your Boat

Flickr photo: watchdog, by 416style

1. Toss out the unloved and unused
2. Don’t finish
3. Put up a temporary wall
4. Say “I don’t know”
5. Loosen your grip
6. Don’t tell anyone where you’re going
7. Let them talk
8. Clear the decks
9. Hire help
10. Excuse yourself and leave
11. Expand your view
12. Put down the sword
13. Go where you can be anonymous
14. Wing it
15. Don’t equate alone with lonely
16. Eat less
17. Say “Oh, never mind”
18. Let go of your secrets
19. Sit alone in a small boat
20. Remove whatever’s not you
21. Lock the door
22. Rearrange the pieces
23. Expand your territory
24. Uncommit
25. Admit that help is needed
26. Move as though your joints are oiled
27. Sequester the shoulds
28. Go where no one will think to look
29. Open your arms
30. Say “No”
31. Look up
32. Loosen whatever constricts
33. Remove distractions
34. Rebel
35. Shrug and leave it at that
36. Close your mouth
37. Take a wellness day off
38. Don’t start
39. Defend your claim
40. Let someone else be right
41. Act without approval

Related reading: Giving Up Housework, 20 Ways to Make a Decision, Pep Talk | Wing It

Flickr photo: puertas abiertas, by drusbi

The process of writing is a tool. It serves us, not the other way around. There’s something wrong when struggling with the writing process keeps people’s marvellous thoughts and much-needed wisdom from reaching the rest of us.

To make the writing process easier, to shift the focus from how to write to what to say, don’t focus on the words until the very end. Good, clear writing is mostly about thinking. When the thoughts are clear, the words appear.

Follow these four steps, in this order, to ease the pain. If you hit a stuck spot, circle back and start again at the top.

Brain Dump

Write down every thought you have about your topic for this piece. Using a word processor will make the subsequent steps easier. The goal is to get all related thoughts outside of your head so you can examine them with some detachment. Keep going until your brain feels newly breezy, like space has opened up.

Organize

Rearrange what you’ve just collected into a sequence that makes sense for what you want to say and who you want to say it to. Fiddle around. Add and expand as needed. Play with options until you hit on the organization of the thoughts that feels right. For now, ignore spelling and grammar errors. This is the time for order, not polish.

Connect

Now that your thoughts are in an order that makes sense to you, focus on linking them logically and clearly to one another so your reader can easily follow along. Experiment with paragraph breaks. Add, remove, or edit sentences and phrases here and there to improve the flow. Play connect the dots.

Words

Finally, and only now that your thoughts are organized and at your service, focus on the words themselves to give them polish. Tweak words and phrases to enhance zip and to more accurately speak in your voice. Continue experimenting, keeping what works and deep-sixing what gets in the way of clarity and meaning. Reread and continue removing everything non-essential. To ferret out the last stumbly bits, read the piece aloud.

Flickr photo: Eraser finished with cleaning chalkboard – BC, by frozenchipmunk

Related reading: A Moment of Silence, Please, Book | One Small Step Can Change Your Life

1. Contain and Focus – Set aside blocks of time to focus on increasing income. When that time ends, stop. Do something else. Limiting focus time increases the laser-beam quality of attention and avoids a fall into the everything-sucks vortex. {Pep Talk | Oh, Never Mind}
2. Use the Buddy System – Buddies who love us see what we cannot, both the crap we’ve wrongly convinced ourselves is Truth and the brilliance we’ve lost sight of in ourselves. Two (or more) heads multiply effort exponentially. {Pep Talk | Reach Out}
   
3. Invite a Paradigm Update – Whether you ask a buddy, a counsellor, a sponsor, a priest, or an in-law, choose someone who’s both wise and gentle. Ask them to tell you your blind spots regarding income. Just listen and breathe. Then go away and be alone. Thank them when you can. {A Forgiving Tale}
   
4. Clarify – Know your targets and line ‘em up. Top priority is food on the table and a roof overhead. Know the specific of what’s needed by when. Focus on that first. Then clarify the medium- and longer-term goals that get to the heart of your dream. Give yourself a chance to shine by reducing the greatest stresses first. {Pep Talk | Think}
   
5. Feel – Pain ends suffering. Feel the feeling – really dive in – for 90 seconds to shift and free up energy. We must enter the tunnel in order to see the light at the other side. See Conscious Finance, by Rick Kahler and Kathleen Fox. {Successfully Sensitive | Dr. Judith Orloff}
   
6. Commune with Spirit – Excellent, energy-based, free, comforting, relieving recordings of Jo Dunning’s Abundance Project audio broadcasts are available on The World Puja Network (sign up for free, then search the broadcast archives for Jo Dunning). Record and replay often. {Simple Ways to Rejuvenate}
7. Brainstorm and Barnraise – Small groups gathered to solve each other’s practical problems create synergy that moves mountains. See Barbara Sher’s book Wishcraft for how-to specifics about these effective tools. {Effectiveness vs. Efficiency}
8. Focus on Quantity – Focusing on crazy, silly volume goals – not two calls a day, but 30, for example – can demolish blockages. A focus on “how many” vs. “why” can end the feeling of being frozen in place. {Pep Talk | Ask Anyway}
   
9. Multiply Income Streams – A few or a bunch of part-time, on-the-side, mini-self-employed, here-and-there income sources add up. Many, many people earn all their income from patchwork sources. Begin with the easiest income stream, then add another. Then another. See Barbara Winter’s idea-packed book Making a Living Without a Job. {Joyful Self-Employment}
10. Increase Income Reach – Make income go further by ferreting out deals and opportunities for people in transition. For example, in Canada, Medical Service Plan payment reductions are often available during rough patches. Credit card companies and other debt carriers often respond favourably to debtors who are pro-active, who call to ask for advice and solutions that won’t affect credit ratings – like minimum payment reductions and delayed payment. {Dare to Be Vulnerable}
11. Ask a Librarian – We often don’t know what we don’t know. Librarians are professional informants. Use them. Keep questing until you find librarians whose eyes sparkle in the vicinity of question marks. Then build a relationship. Look around for special libraries, too, beyond the public sector. {Make the Most of Your Public Library}
12. Check Out Government Programs – There are those in the public sector who want to help. Ask around. Search the Internet for programs and services offered in your area. And ask lots of questions once you find them. Uncover the free service gems. {Pep Talk | Find Inspiration}
13. Plant Seeds – If you know exactly what you want to do and where you want to do it, but there are no positions currently available, launch a timed offensive. I know a woman who got a very sweet job because she was the right person for it and she made sure they knew who she was. She took in her resume. She checked back. She checked back again. She was pleasant. They hired her part-time, which led to full-time. {Book | Orbiting the Giant Hairball}
14. Launch a Trial-and-Error Extravaganza – Set a time frame and do absolutely everything you can think of. See how many of the ways in this list you can get started on. However, this is key: evaluate the results. What worked best? What sucked? Forget what failed. Zero in on all the things that worked and do further trial-and-error extravaganzas. This is an excellent way to strengthen falling-and-getting-back-up muscles and become super effective. {Pep Talk | Ditch the Chasm}
15. Ask an Expert Out for Tea – Who’s already doing what you want to do? Who knows what you don’t? Invite them out for tea (or coffee or a cocktail) – your treat. Ask and thank. People love to help. Let them. {Hero Practice}
16. Find a Mentor – Whether through a formal program or asking an expert to become a mentor, consider doing an apprenticeship under the wing of someone you admire and get along with. {Sensitivity, Curiosity, and Leadership}
17. Temporarily Take All Offers – A young friend who needed money by a certain date spread the word that for a limited time, she’d do just about any odd job. She did, and reached her goal. Set an hourly rate minimum that’s enticing and get ready to run errands, shovel manure, clean closets, can the beans, take care of the kids. Consider all offers (be safe and maintain your dignity all the while). {Pep Talk | Embrace Corny}
18. Blow the Competition Out of the Water – The only job a friend of mine could get once was typing addresses onto envelopes all day. She hated it, but she really busted ass and within a couple of days was promoted into a more interesting job. {We Are All Magicians}
19. Volunteer – The power of volunteering operates beyond targeting a specific field or company. Particularly in a small community, volunteering at a hub – like the Chamber of Commerce – can provide exposure to lots of people and show them what you’re capable of. Use the rumour mill to your advantage. {The Benevolent Love Bomb}
20. Give Out Calling Cards –Don’t wait for a job to get a card. Card stock, a computer, a printer, and help from a buddy can yield business-card-sized cards with your name, contact info, and a mini-list of your best skills. Hand them out to everyone. This is a sensitive-person-friendlier way to network. If talking feels like too much, leave the card on the table on your way out the door. {Compass Titles}
21. Start for Free to Get In – I know someone who got a prized job with a famous designer by offering to work for free to start. She got the paying job. Consider sweetening the deal in this way, particularly for a job you really want. {Interview | Carrie McCarthy}
22. Teach What You Know –You definitely know stuff, even if it’s mostly about hobbies you’re devoted to. Make a list of what you know and love. Explore ways of teaching them. Continuing education centres (often associated with public school systems, colleges or universities, or community centres) offer such opportunities. Or pin a flyer to the bulletin board at the coffee shop and teach five people in your garage. {Joy Detective}
23. Sell Something You Truly Love – It doesn’t really matter what. Do you have a favourite pen that people love to borrow? Sell them from your backpack, one at a time. Think sideways about this. Consider it another income stream. Make sure it’s something you really adore – enthusiasm sells. {Stay Afloat When They’re Rocking the Boat (the e-book I wrote and love to sell)}
24. Start the Ball Rolling – Take steps toward your big dream, even if you also peddle yourself to whomever to get food on the table by next week. Taking any steps – even the teeniest ones – toward the most exciting income option generates big energy and brings the dream closer. {Book | One Small Step Can Change Your Life}
25. Educate Through Skill Gaps – What additional skill would raise your value the most in your target income area? Get it. If it seems too costly to acquire, get creative with some of the other suggestions in this list to evoke synergy. Don’t assume you can’t just because the how-to isn’t obvious. {Pep Talk | Chin Up}
26. Attend a Millionaire Mind Intensive – Laugh if you will. I did. I went with scepticism and a willingness to give it a try and was floored by the deep changes I experienced during this weekend seminar. Yes, there are hokey bits, but they’re backed up by logic and research. Yes, parts of it are rather loud. Yes, they try to sell costly programs. All of that and yet I – a very highly sensitive person – still recommend it. That tells you something. It’s free (they charge $100 if you sign up but then don’t attend). {Millionaire Mind Intensive}
27. Pay for Expert Advice – If the advice of a professional will launch you into the next dimension of income-earning power, consider making an appointment. Choose carefully. Consider doing an advance informational interview, even if it’s short. Know what you want. {Pep Talk | Be Advised}
28. Clear the Clutter – Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. Energy sticks in stuff that’s stuck. We can unstick ourselves by letting go of what we don’t love or need. For easy, gentle encouragement see Karen Kingston’s little book Clear Your Clutter with Feng Shui. {Pep Talk | Set the Timer}
29. Sell the Clutter – Anything and everything you don’t want or need that’s of value can be sold. Choose the easiest route: Craigslist, yard sale, specialty online forum, classified ad. Consider this another income stream. {The Link Between Mess and Abundance}
30. Relocate – Radical, but possibly worth considering. Can you move to a place that gives you a more-bang-for-the-buck lifestyle? Make sure you run toward something better rather than away from things that will follow you. Wherever you go, there you are. {20 Ways to Make a Decision}
31. Contemplate – Tune in. Alone. Walk. Write in your journal. Meditate. Open space for ideas and creativity to find you. Loose up. Use your body. Rejuvenate. {Pep Talk | Dance}
32. Look the Other Way – Life is a pie. Income is only one slice. Make the play slice the same size. If it feels too hard to set income issues aside, fake it to get started. This is absolutely not optional. See Ernie J. Zelinski’s The Joy of Not Working. {Play Anyway and Funny Practice}

Flickr photo: Lavender Bee, by aussiegall

“I have always imagined that Paradise will be a kind of library.”
Jorge Luis Borges

For a vast selection of cheap thrills, head to … your local public library. But dig deep. Books are only the tip of the iceberg.

These days, with the Internet acting as connector and entire regions pooling their resources, even rural and off-the-beaten-path communities often have access to vast resources through their public libraries.

I’ve been grilling librarians all over North America for decades, and I find that if I stay sharp, even while asking what I think are tedious questions, I can catch the gems they toss out – references to astonishing marvels of library services I’d never have thought to ask about.

Here’s a sampling of the offerings of the Vancouver Public Library system (and still only the tip of the iceberg). The most basic services – likely to be in all libraries – are listed first. If any of the following services attract you, ask about them at your local public library. And stay alert for hints of further treasures.

Internet Access – Search the library’s catalogue of holdings, check due dates, renew items, discover programs and presentations coming up, and access a virtually endless variety of other options, including placing holds.

Placing Holds – If the item you want isn’t listed in the branch closest to you, you can usually request that it be sent to your branch. This is particularly useful if the item is popular and you’re not likely to find it on a shelf anytime soon. Placing a hold puts you in a line-up for the item. The library notifies you when it comes in.

Interlibrary Loans – What if your entire regional library system doesn’t have the item you need? Never fear, you can request it through the interlibrary loan department, often via Internet. The interlibrarians (pardon me) will search nearby library systems first, including universities, and then search further afield until they find it. I currently have an interlibrary loan book that came from the Chicago Public Library, so items even travel across international borders.

Music, Videos, and DVDs – From the crush I regularly see at my local branch’s DVD shelves, getting free movies from the library makes good sense to a lot of people. Placing holds on movies makes this service even more useful since the generally depleted DVD shelves mean getting hold of that hot new film could take a while – and even longer if it’s not owned by your branch.

Electronic Resources – So much information is available through the Vancouver Public Library’s electronic resources that it’s easy to become overwhelmed. The prize for accessing these resources via the public library is that the library provides free access to otherwise costly resources, like newspaper and magazine article collections, encyclopedias, databases, and entire books online (through Books 24/7, for example).

Genealogical Data – The amount of genealogical information made available at local libraries makes me weep with joy. For example, the Vancouver Public Library offers access to Ancestry.com (the library version, which is more extensive than the free version), which has allowed me to discover great stories and data about my ancestors, for free.

Historical Archives – Many of the libraries I’ve hung out in have a cool, sequestered area tucked away somewhere that houses archives, information, and even photos and artefacts about the region’s history.

Pictorial Reference Files – Rows of file cabinets line an alcove in the art department of Vancouver’s central library. Inside are browsable files containing a mind-boggling array of images from magazines and other sources, organized alphabetically by topic. If you need to see a variety of bear pictures or examples of Bauhaus architecture but don’t need a whole book’s worth of info, dig in.

And smile at the librarians. They’re the stewards of Paradise.

Flickr photo: Vancouver Public Library, by singsing sky

Related reading: British TV Crime Dramas, Diagram Prize for Oddest Book Title

Tricky timing, though. The upcoming winter Olympics here in Vancouver mean that housing is rapidly becoming as valuable as gold and landlords are tending toward short-term, mega-buck renting rather than longer-term.

So we’re using La Bombe to examine some out-there ideas, like moving to Germany or to a little island off the coast of mainland British Columbia.

We face lots of options on lots of levels. Decision proliferation threatens to lead to decision paralysis. In response, I’ve developed a reference list for ways to make a decision. Different ways work at different times for different circumstances.

1. Weigh the pros and cons
2. Ask a trusted advisor
3. Gather more information
4. Take a leap of faith
5. Prioritize
6. Vividly imagine various outcomes
7. Set a deadline
8. Hire an expert
9. Sleep on it
10. Do something, even if it’s wrong
11. Meditate
12. Use consensus
13. Be impulsive
14. Let joy lead
15. Abdicate responsibility
16. Consult the I Ching
17. Heed intuition
18. Do a trial run and evaluate the results
19. Ask a gathered group
20. Wait until the last moment

Flickr photo: airstream, by uberculture

Related reading: How to Stop Time, Grace Kerina’s Five Rules for Life, Why Germany is Great for HSPs

1. Take time to attend to your appearance so it doesn’t distract you during the party. It’s not about standing out. It’s about being comfortable. Do the basic primping. Be clean and shave all the appropriate bits. Wear an outfit that helps you relax because you know you look nice in it. Help yourself feel as easy with your body as you can at this time.
2. Pre-plan flexible exit strategies. Make arrangements that allow you to leave the party whenever you want to. On your own. Know the bus schedules or the taxi service’s phone number. Have enough bus or taxi money with you. Do whatever it takes. You can still leave the party with others, but if you have options you won’t feel cornered. Be free to go.
3. Take a prop. Having something to fiddle with can cover the moments when you can’t think of anything to say. One of the best props is a small digital camera. Use it with respect. If you take photos that flatter people or are artistic or funny-for-all, you can show the photos at the party if someone asks to see. Be creative about your prop. The goal is to deflect the focus from you and/or to give you something to fiddle with when you need a break.
4. Ask about what you want to know. You’re bright. You’re curious. You notice things others don’t. Use those qualities. Begin conversations you’re interested in having. Rather than wondering what will interest the person you’re talking to, tune in to what sparks your interest. You can even think about this before the party and arrive with leading questions. Be daring if you want – if that’s where your curiosity takes you – but also remember to be kind.
5. Leave before you lose it. Go when you feel good about yourself, before you feel too overwhelmed to recover during a trip to the washroom. Leave earlier than anyone else if that’s what you need to do. Be gracious with the host of the party. Slip away. Enjoy your success.

Flickr photo: Party time! / Tiempo de Fiestas, by pasotraspaso.

Related reading: Pep Talk | Chin Up, Book | One Small Step Can Change Your Life