When the swirl of life pushes me toward overwhelm, my automatic response is to rush toward stimulus minimus. But there’s an error of perspective there.

What I really want is stimulus maximus, just like everyone else on the planet. I want the maximum input that I can handle. I want Life, with a capital L. I want vitality and breathtaking wonder and revelations complete with operatic accompaniment.

If all of that comes to me in a different way than it comes to the majority of humans, is it any less maximus? Of course not. Maximus is relative. It’s only minimus by comparison. Sure, the way I get off can look like stimulus minimus (a riveting idea, a colour combination seen in passing from a bus window, a silly look exchanged with my nephew), but only if compared with someone who’s different – like someone who whoops it up on the bus, all the way to the bungee-jumping festival.

Comparison damages our souls. Consider yourself worthy of the full package: all senses firing at maximum capacity, tuned, honed, and giddy – thriving in your very own, very valid version of Life with a capital L.

Shove all those other people off the scale. Recalibrate. Find your own stimulus maximus.

“Sometimes I go about pitying myself
And all the while I am being carried across the sky
By beautiful clouds.”
~ Ojibway Indian saying

Flickr photo: Free sunset flamingo pink…, by D Sharon Pruitt of Pink Sherbet Photography

Related reading: Avoid the Rush – Finish Last, Successfully Sensitive | Jo Martin

Fitting in is Overrated: The Survival Guide for Anyone Who Has Ever Felt Like an Outsider

Imagine this reasonable man’s voice speaking his encouragements to you and see if you feel more able to make your own mark in your own way:

“What if your greatest breakthrough in life depends on your coming to terms with the very issue that has made you feel ashamed?”

“For just a moment, stop and ask yourself what Ang Lee, Macy Gray, Betty Friedan, Viktor Frankl, Faith Hill, Alex Haley, Antonio Villaraigosa, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, Charles Schwab, Yo-Yo Ma, and Oprah Winfrey have in common. They are all sensitive individuals who suffered painful exclusion and self-doubt before they found their particular way to thrive as outsiders. They each hit a point in their lives when they had to decide, ‘Is it more important to fit in, or can I find enough support for expressing the gifts and insights I’ve discovered as a result of being different from most people?’”

“How do you balance the desire to be accepted by the people around you with the desire to follow what’s in your heart and soul?”

“I’ve found that in order to respond effectively to someone who is treating you rudely, the first essential step is to stop for a moment and make a promise to yourself: “I’m going to handle this with decency and integrity no matter what.” Thousands of clients have found that just this one silently spoken sentence can give great strength and clarity during a stressful moment. This powerful vow or mantra can snap you out of the victim mentality and into a sense of creativity and strength. Rather than stooping to the other person’s level, your mind begins to feel clearer, better able to handle a tough situation with dignity and grace.”

~ Leonard Felder, from Fitting In Is Overrated

Dr. Felder’s other books include When Difficult Relatives Happen to Good People, Wake Up or Break Up, and Does Someone at Work Treat You Badly? For more, see Dr. Leonard Felder’s Jewcy.com page and blog.

Related reading: Book | One Small Step Can Change Your Life, Stay Afloat with Healthy Boundaries

We’re also products of different cultures. (I’ve often thought of charging admission to some of our entertaining conversations: the optimistic, anything-is-possible American (me) exchanging views with the pessimistic Cold-War-era German from West Berlin.)

To cut through all of our (various, hilarious, absurd, genuine) objections to any proposed plan for having fun together, we’ve invented our own version of the blind date.

Here’s an example of how it works:

• He: “Gracie, what are you doing on Saturday night?”
• Me: (Shrugging) “Nothing, I guess. What’s up?”
  He: “Then we’ll leave around 7:45 – right after dinner.”
• Me: (Perking up) “Cool. What should I wear?”
  He: “Nice, but not fancy. And dress warmly.”
• Me: “You do that on purpose, don’t you? Just to torture me with too little information.”
• He: (Folds his arms and smirks)
• Me: “Oh, well. What do I care? If it’s a blind date, you’re paying, right?”
• He: “Yup.”

Our rules are:

• The person who invites pays (this minimizes objections from the invitee).
• The person who invites aims to please the invitee, even if unexpectedly so.
• The person who invites is not required to tell any more than is strictly necessary.
• The person who accepts the invitation doesn’t complain.

We’ve both been wowed and charmed as the “blind” person in the equation, escorted to experiences we’d never have chosen – or even agreed to – had we known in advance what they’d be. And we’ve both had the gleeful pleasure of the visionary escort, crafting experiences that delight us both.

Like traditional blind dates, our version opens up possibilities. Unlike the traditional version – thankfully – we know we’ll be spending time with someone we already love.

This version of blind dating works with all kinds of relationships, not only romantic ones. Evolve it for your own best use. And report back here, would you? I’d love to know how things go.

Flickr photo: Blind Light, by Anthony Gormley, on ricoeurian’s Flickr page as within the fog…

Related reading: Funny Practice, How to Mingle at a Party | Tips for the Timid

When the folks around you make waves with their alien communication styles, fervent demands, or weird displays of power, you need healthy boundary skills that pop to the surface like a life preserver.

Stay Afloat When They’re Rocking Your Boat rushes in like the Coast Guard, assisting you to a safe haven. By using sneaky methods like associating a simple, easy-to-remember drawing with each step of the process, Stay Afloat pre-programs healthy reactions to challenging boundary situations.

In nine simple steps, you can move from flailing in heavy seas to peering into the cooler at the dock.

The Healthy Boundaries Handbook has been updated with a new cover and title – revised into a second edition. To reach more of those bobbing almost-sailors, scanning the horizon for signs of help, the price has been lowered to CAN$9.50.

Don’t suffer through another stormy interchange that leaves you gasping on the shore with half your face covered in sand. Help has arrived. Get up. You can do this.

* * *

The price of the Highly Sensitive Vancouver e-book is also now CAN$9.50.

“You can’t get to be a charming eccentric in old age without being weird in youth.”
~ Stacie, Idiosyncratic Daydream

Pull up your striped socks, slip into your funkiest shoes, check your wild red hair in the mirror, and head out the door to spend the day making people gawk. Or … say what no one else seems willing to say, offer the solution that expands minds, notice the thing out of place that makes all the difference.

Whether we’re weird on the inside or the outside, or both, those of us who are unusually sensitive can help make sensitivity and uniqueness more normal. That’s a paradox, I know.

As an aged eccentric in training, as a rebel with a cause, think of yourself as being on a mission. What’s your mandate? To strut your stuff, to desensitize our culture to sensitivity. Another paradox. How lovely.

Imagine the scope of glorious weirdness expanding to include everyone. What a wonderful world that would be.

“Allah loves wondrous variety.”
~ Azeem, Robin Hood – Prince of Thieves

Flickr photo: Free Girl in Colorful Polkadots, by D Sharon Pruitt / Pink Sherbet Photography

Related reading: The Power of Community, Differentiation and Intimacy

I believe that being sensitive equips us to lead. Sensitivity, by definition, involves a greater than normal ability to feel or notice or think about what others do not. Do you see that whether you’re highly sensitive – embodying a range and depth of sensitivities, or sensitive in a single area, you sway at the top of a mast, seeing what others miss? Do you see the powerful gift in that?

We don’t have time to wait for Western society to embrace sensitivity as a gift and thus make our lives easier. Instead, let’s stage a quiet revolution, a revolution that begins with self-acceptance and curiosity. Our unleashed curiosity contains the power to challenge the status quo.

Lead by asking questions. Lead from your sensitivity. Ask yourself. Ask others. Ask to unfetter and expand. Ask with love. Inspire. Be a beacon, not a spear.

What is the gift at the centre of your sensitivity? Ask yourself until you know. Polish what you find. Be weird. Be valuable. Step into a spotlight. Share.

“Curious people count. Not because there are a lot of them, but because they’re the ones who talk to people who are in a stupor. They’re the ones who lead the masses in the middle who are stuck. The masses in the middle have brainwashed themselves into thinking it’s safe to do nothing, which the curious can’t abide.”

~ Seth Godin, in Tribes: We Need You to Lead Us

Flickr photo: Duel Beam, by mandj98.

Related reading: The High Demand for Sensitivity, The Power of Curiosity.

I like to think of differentiation’s never-ending process as a way to grow myself. The process is never-ending because as we become closer to someone their opinion of us tends to matter more, which can make it tougher to displease them. What happens when being true to myself means that someone close to me, someone important to me, is displeased? Sometimes I have to choose between pleasing them and being true to myself. When I choose myself and also allow our differentness, even if that means weathering pressure, discomfort, or anger, I differentiate. And that makes intimacy more likely, as paradoxical as it may seem. The only intimacy that comes close to satisfying is intimacy in which I am being truly myself. When I ask myself, “What do I need to do, or what beliefs or expectations do I need to adjust, in order to remain true to myself in this situation?” I often am forced to grow. This is a good thing.

Differentiation takes courage. It’s never finished. It’s not about shoving one’s viewpoint out into the world or into the face of someone beloved. It’s all about the relationship between me and me. It’s about acknowledging to myself the truth about myself and then deciding what to do with that information. Maybe I’ll choose to keep this truth to myself for now and see how things develop. Maybe I’ll share. Maybe I’ll say nothing, but change the way I act. The key is that my compass remains inside me rather than outside of me. I hold my own course rather than giving my deciding-power over to someone else, however dear they may be to me. Differentiation is the inner process for creating a strong and flexible bond, a healthy and intimate connection, with someone out there.

The three best teachers of differentiation I know of are Susan Page, David Schnarch, and Esther and Jerry Hicks (with Abraham).

David Schnarch’s book Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships covers a lot of ground, but the linchpin concept of the book is differentiation (see Chapter 2, “Differentiation: Developing a Self-in-Relation”).

“Giving up your individuality to be together is as defeating in the long run as giving up your relationship to maintain your individuality. Either way, you end up being less of a person with less of a relationship.

“Differentiation permits you to maintain your own course when lovers, friends, and family pressure you to agree and conform. Well-differentiated people can agree without feeling like they’re losing themselves, and can disagree without feeling alienated and embittered. They can stay connected with people who disagree with them and still know who they are. They don’t have to leave the situation to hold onto their sense of self.”

~ David Schnarch, Passionate Marriage

In her book Why Talking Is Not Enough, Susan Page provides guidelines for using close relationships as spiritual practice (defining spirituality generally), with the emphasis on taking responsibility for making positive changes, rather than requiring or waiting for the other person’s participation. Although the term “differentiation” doesn’t star in her book the way it does in Schnarch’s, that’s what Page’s teachings are all about.

The subtitle of Page’s book is Eight Loving Actions that Will Transform Your Marriage (and keep in mind that these tools are useful in any close relationship, from parent-child to best friend). The Eight Loving Actions are:

“Adopt a spirit of good will
Give up problem solving
Act as if
Practice restraint
Balance giving and taking
Act on your own
Practice acceptance
Practice compassion”

~ Susan Page, Why Talking Is Not Enough

Finally, and more comprehensively, any of the publications by Esther and Jerry Hicks (and Abraham) are all about differentiating, including the books The Astonishing Power of Emotions: Let Your Feelings Be Your Guide and Ask and It Is Given: Learning to Manifest Your Desires.

“When your life is intertwined with another, you often feel that you need to agree on everything and ‘pull together,’ so to speak, on the things that you are creating, but we want you to understand that you do not need another to ‘pull’ with you because the Stream of creation contains all the ‘pulling’ power that is necessary. However, you cannot pull against yourself and get to where you want to be.”

~ Esther and Jerry Hicks, The Astonishing Power of Emotions