I went on the offensive and love-bombed him. Sparkly sparkle charm quarks pinging out of my eyes, gosh he was the nicest man I had met all day ping ping, I would be so grateful for any help he could see his way to giving me. Ping pada ping.
~ Jessica Hines, Looking for the Big B

Too bad. Great term. Let’s re-purpose it.

Imagine the infinite uses of a benevolent love-bomb, a silly surfeit of doting, over-the-top, magnanimous, way way out there loving-up. Staff, family members, and friends gape in awe and go weak in the knees — from laughter or thrill or both.

Either way, spreading that much joy makes the giver’s day, too.

Flickr photo: 76/365 – Daddy’s lucky charm, by bp6316

Related reading: Love’s Slope, Pep Talk | Dance

]]> http://www.highlysensitivepower.com/2009/06/the-benevolent-love-bomb/feed/ 5 http://www.highlysensitivepower.com/2009/06/dare-to-be-vulnerable/ http://www.highlysensitivepower.com/2009/06/dare-to-be-vulnerable/#comments Mon, 01 Jun 2009 07:01:24 +0000 Grace Kerina http://www.highlysensitivepower.com/?p=4346 What keeps us from showing our vulnerabilities? For me, it’s the fear of being teased or derided or – worst of all – pitied. Better to be on the safe side and keep my true but imperfect self hidden, I reason, rather than expose myself to ridicule.

Sad choice. And one I must now argue against.

While attending a seminar recently, I tangentially learned a thing or two about the power of vulnerability. At one point, the seminar leader instructed us to interact with whoever was nearby. I spoke with the man next to me – a stranger – and thought he was nice enough, but no more than that. Even after our exchange, he remained a sort of blank to me. Soon afterward, we all stood up to clap together to a song, and the man didn’t use his hands normally. He didn’t clap in rhythm and his hands looked a bit deformed. But he clapped with verve, and with a big smile on his face.

In that moment, I loved him. He went from a blank to a role model within the space of a few hand claps. Did I pity him for being different, or judge him to be less-than? No. My immediate and instinctive reaction to seeing him clap was a rushing wave of love mixed with the desire to show my true self to the world as bravely.

Of course, it pays to pick our moments. Because of the type of seminar it was, this man knew he was in a room full of people who were more likely to accept him than, say, a random bus full of city folk. But even then, even when we know the chances are good that we’ll be accepted, how often do we still hold back?

I attended the seminar with a friend. On the third day, I dared to look into her eyes as I cried hard tears from a deep, hurt place, and all I saw on her face was love. No pity. She must have seen in me, in my willingness to bring my truth into the light, the same thing I saw when I looked at the clapping man. It felt amazing and healing to be on the receiving end of that instinctive rush of love.

Paradoxically, when we appropriately expose our vulnerable truth, when we leap into the dare with our weakness exposed, we model strength. And we trigger love.

There’s power in weakness after all.

Flickr photo: Paralympics Wheelchair Basketball Tournament, by Singapore2010

Related reading: Crying and Staying, Pep Talk | Chin Up

<< Important Note >>
The links to Dr. Judith Orloff’s book, Emotional Freedom, in last Thursday’s post were not working correctly. They now are, and they lead to the Emotional Freedom special promotion she’s offering for the book. Please check it out if you’re interested. My apologies!

The ugly dress she wore on the first date. The way he held the hurt bird. The clouds that day. The small bed. Your brother’s letter. The pool. The clock. The dirt.

Over time, after enough falling, the futility of navigation by calculated steps gives way to the joy of the ride. Shoes fill with rubble, arms twirl, the body relaxes and lets go. We make friends with the force of gravity. We abandon the straight line of foresight aimed at the mountain’s base of false safety and, instead, find the sky. We learn to trust our feet.

Though frail, apart, scared, always falling, when we claim this plummet, our sliding dance, we fall together, bound by natural forces.

Flickr photo: Slide Mountain from the side, by Mat Honan.

Related reading: Differentiation and Intimacy

~ ~ ~

Recent site updates: tags cloud at the bottom of the home page’s sidebar, spiffier Creativity Prompts Compendium, and you can now follow me on Twitter (I’m experimenting).

I like to think of differentiation’s never-ending process as a way to grow myself. The process is never-ending because as we become closer to someone their opinion of us tends to matter more, which can make it tougher to displease them. What happens when being true to myself means that someone close to me, someone important to me, is displeased? Sometimes I have to choose between pleasing them and being true to myself. When I choose myself and also allow our differentness, even if that means weathering pressure, discomfort, or anger, I differentiate. And that makes intimacy more likely, as paradoxical as it may seem. The only intimacy that comes close to satisfying is intimacy in which I am being truly myself. When I ask myself, “What do I need to do, or what beliefs or expectations do I need to adjust, in order to remain true to myself in this situation?” I often am forced to grow. This is a good thing.

Differentiation takes courage. It’s never finished. It’s not about shoving one’s viewpoint out into the world or into the face of someone beloved. It’s all about the relationship between me and me. It’s about acknowledging to myself the truth about myself and then deciding what to do with that information. Maybe I’ll choose to keep this truth to myself for now and see how things develop. Maybe I’ll share. Maybe I’ll say nothing, but change the way I act. The key is that my compass remains inside me rather than outside of me. I hold my own course rather than giving my deciding-power over to someone else, however dear they may be to me. Differentiation is the inner process for creating a strong and flexible bond, a healthy and intimate connection, with someone out there.

The three best teachers of differentiation I know of are Susan Page, David Schnarch, and Esther and Jerry Hicks (with Abraham).

David Schnarch’s book Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships covers a lot of ground, but the linchpin concept of the book is differentiation (see Chapter 2, “Differentiation: Developing a Self-in-Relation”).

“Giving up your individuality to be together is as defeating in the long run as giving up your relationship to maintain your individuality. Either way, you end up being less of a person with less of a relationship.

“Differentiation permits you to maintain your own course when lovers, friends, and family pressure you to agree and conform. Well-differentiated people can agree without feeling like they’re losing themselves, and can disagree without feeling alienated and embittered. They can stay connected with people who disagree with them and still know who they are. They don’t have to leave the situation to hold onto their sense of self.”

~ David Schnarch, Passionate Marriage

In her book Why Talking Is Not Enough, Susan Page provides guidelines for using close relationships as spiritual practice (defining spirituality generally), with the emphasis on taking responsibility for making positive changes, rather than requiring or waiting for the other person’s participation. Although the term “differentiation” doesn’t star in her book the way it does in Schnarch’s, that’s what Page’s teachings are all about.

The subtitle of Page’s book is Eight Loving Actions that Will Transform Your Marriage (and keep in mind that these tools are useful in any close relationship, from parent-child to best friend). The Eight Loving Actions are:

“Adopt a spirit of good will
Give up problem solving
Act as if
Practice restraint
Balance giving and taking
Act on your own
Practice acceptance
Practice compassion”

~ Susan Page, Why Talking Is Not Enough

Finally, and more comprehensively, any of the publications by Esther and Jerry Hicks (and Abraham) are all about differentiating, including the books The Astonishing Power of Emotions: Let Your Feelings Be Your Guide and Ask and It Is Given: Learning to Manifest Your Desires.

“When your life is intertwined with another, you often feel that you need to agree on everything and ‘pull together,’ so to speak, on the things that you are creating, but we want you to understand that you do not need another to ‘pull’ with you because the Stream of creation contains all the ‘pulling’ power that is necessary. However, you cannot pull against yourself and get to where you want to be.”

~ Esther and Jerry Hicks, The Astonishing Power of Emotions